How many mid-life crises have you had?
I think I may be on my third? maybe my fourth. I don’t know, I’ve lost count.
My first started with my almost divorce, then two years later my actual divorce. Then after another almost two more years, I took my first breath. That is when my life really began to change.
Then I decided I wanted to get my doctorate to move into a different area of my profession. And now I don’t know what I want.
I sit here, with homework to do, grading to get done, and a million other things, and all I can think about is what I want to be when I grow up.
Maybe part of my funk right now is due to my autism evaluation yesterday. I am not upset that I am 99.99% sure the doctor will tell me I am (because they pretty much already confirmed it). I am relieved. It is another thing on my list of ‘why I am not actually a bad person’, and for the first time in my life, some of my anxiety is gone.
I never would have guessed that being told I am autistic would RELIEVE my anxiety, but the 8.9 billion questions I have asked, and the 16.8 billion more I have not, all make sense now. I don’t feel guilty for asking a question to clarify my understanding. I don’t feel ashamed that I don’t always understand what people mean. I don’t feel ashamed to be me.
This renewed view of myself has me wondering what I could actually accomplish if I didn’t limit myself? I feel like I have been pretty successful so far, three kids, divorce, self growth that could rival the Grinch, professional growth, new jobs, beginning my doctorate… I mean, that is a pretty great list right there.
But, I wonder….
Then I remember the state of the world and I just want to cry. Yes, autistic people have emotions. Look it up. I actually got angry for the first time the other night. I have been angry before, but it is always in my head. The kind where I know something is bad/wrong/unjust, and I don’t like it. I am very much a justice seeker. But the other night, I FELT mad. I have not actually felt emotions, either ever, or so long ago that I can’t remember it. I think it might be the first time in my life that my emotions controlled me, instead of the other way around. Unfortunately, I was in a restaurant, so I had to shut it down. And now my muscles are cramped and tight and my neck is out, and my stomach is all messed up.
And I sit here again, wondering…
But as I lean back and feel my heating pad against my neck, listen to my water fountain trickle, and see my gnomes on my desk, I feel the most calm and relaxed I have ever been. In the face of the most uncertainty I have ever been. And I feel like I am living in Avatar, and soon I will wake and remember my broken parts.
My many broken parts have been earned, and I am learning not to hate them.
My many broken parts have saved my life, and I am learning to thank them.
My many broken parts once were seen as something broken,
but my many broken parts all make up me, and for that, I love them.
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