Living a life that's Wirth it.

I haven’t felt the need to sit in my hammock swing for a while.

It sits in the corner of my room. A chair; waiting to soothe me. To do the thing no human has done. To hold me. The real me. All of me. My too-much-ness, My not-enough-ness. My worry. My fear.

It doesn’t judge. I don’t for one moment believe it will judge.

It just wraps me in its fabric and gently rocks me. And when I ask it to rock me again. It does. It listens, it hears, it doesn’t tell me I’m wrong. It doesn’t tell me what to do. It doesn’t make me feel judged. It just comforts me.

I’m tired of staying silent. But I’m scared to let it out.
I want to be a wall flower. But really I want to shout.
I have thoughts that nag me. And I push them deep inside.
I worry if I share them all, on a stake I will be fried.

Sometimes being in my brain is just too much. The energy it takes to control it is massive. I am exhausted just in the daily existence. Staying focused on something else… anything else… is my only reprieve. So I book myself so busy that I don’t ‘have time’ to think. Oddly, the thing that soothes me and is starting to ground me, is stopping.

To sit in the quiet of my mind, with calming noises of waves or bilateral music, or a guided meditation, and just focus on breathing. Follow the air in. Follow the air out. It is an oddly peaceful experience. I say oddly because it has been during mediation that some of my most profound thoughts have come to mind. And I have to stop and write them down, and then return to the silence.

It is where I feel most calm, most confident. and yet, I can’t seem to get myself to do it on a routine. Damn ADHD.

I am realizing more every day how my neurodivergence impacts my life. I was really becoming confident and comfortable with my ADHD, embracing the ways it makes me unique. Loving the ways it makes me unique.

And then a few months ago, I was diagnosed with Autism. The first weeks I felt only gratitude. Someone finally confirmed my brain is different. In a good way. I was happy.

The last few weeks I’m falling apart. I have begun second guessing everything. Did that person understand me. Did I understand them. Is the thing they just said directed at me? What did I do wrong? Why do they seem mad at me? Should I say the thing that is in my mind? Will it be accepted, or misunderstood? Will I offend someone? Am I treating people with the utmost care and respect they deserve? Am I treating people the way THEY WANT to be treated?

Every interaction in my personal life has gone on blast in my brain. I pick it apart, I analyze it for my faults. MY faults. No one else’s. I am programmed to believe everything is my fault. From crying because someone broke my hula hoop and being punished for making a scene, to being chastised for the parking space I pick, to being woken in the middle of the night and screamed at for not making kool aid. It’s always my fault. How could I think otherwise?

I’m tired.

I’m exhausted.

I just want to be loved unconditionally. Does that even exist?
I just want to know that I’m not too much for someone. My faults, they don’t make a list
I just want to feel appreciated for all I try to do.
Instead of assuming I am out to get you.
I just want to believe in myself, and stand strong in who I am.
Instead of worrying at all times.. One day… One moment, where I don’t give a damn.

I fill my brain full of worries and am constantly scurrying around to be sure I am not offending others. Afraid to ask for clarity, for they might think me too much. Too much is scary. Too much is overboard. Too much is isolating.Too much is too much.

exhausted. my body shuts down. constipation. my digestive system says no. shingles. my immune system says no. exhausted. I fall asleep between thoughts. exhausted.

I’m just exhausted.