Living a life that's Wirth it.

I feel lost. Yet I am more found than I’ve ever been.

I feel hopeless. Yet I am more hopeful than I’ve ever been.

I feel afraid. Yet I am more confident than I’ve ever been.

Don’t ask me which one is real.

It could change by the minute.

Mostly, I think I am just confused.

I’m confused by many things. First, I am confused by who I am. I know myself more than ever before, but the more I know me, the less I know me. In some ways, it is beautiful, and we will never fully be ‘done’ knowing ourselves. It is a part of life. But sometimes there is an unsettled unknowing. I’ve found my happy, I’ve found my sexuality, I’ve found my peace. But, I still don’t know my future, I don’t know my job, I don’t know my partner, I don’t know where I will live, I don’t know my spirituality. I find myself always searching. Unless I am disassociating with work, then I am working.

I am confused by spirituality. I know what I don’t believe. I know what is not right. I know what is wrong. What I don’t know is how to find the thing that feeds me. I do know I need that. We need to rest. We need to find that solitude and peace from within- otherwise we are feeding into society and the hamster wheel of capitalism. We need to find the way that rest works for each of us individually- that place where you are at peace, and you can be open and curious and creative. They don’t want us to be that way. We are too easily manipulated when we are tired and busy.

I am confused by how I know I need rest, and what my rest looks like, yet I keep doing more. I find myself running on the hamster wheel and falling, and being tossed and turned around the wheel, my body slamming against the edges, my head whirling out of control.

I am confused by the edge. It taunts me. I run at it often, but every time I get close, I stop. I don’t know what is on the other side. Is it a vast chasm of nothingness? Is it a bouncy ball pit full of foam for a soft landing?

I am confused by other people. I can not for one minute understand how people can support things happening in the world right now. How can we be okay telling others how to live? I am quite sure, if the tables were turned, they would not be okay with being told how to live. Blatant disregard. Socialized pressure. Subconscious conditioning. It is in our DNA.

I am confused by how to change it all. And sad that we even have to.