Living a life that's Wirth it.

I have been working really frickin hard on myself. I have made HUGE gains.

I know that.

I am also going to have slip ups, as I did this week.

It wasn’t my biggest not my littlest either. I think slip ups are a part of recovery. No matter what you are recovering from: trauma, addiction, abuse and more. No one can expect perfection, what matters is that we get back up and keep trying.

My slip up involved my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and my ADHD. I have real issues with being rejected. It builds a wall around EVERY interaction I have. I am always looking for how the other person will reject me, and, assuming I know that information, I preemptively work to cut it off before it can happen. I always try to stay one step ahead and just don’t do the thing I think the person will not like.

I have been pretty good about not doing this for a while now. I have been working to be sure that the people I interact with are tolerant and understanding and becoming vulnerable at work to admit when I have made a mistake and know that life will go on. It has been working okay so far. But this week was a lot for me mentally, and I was exhausted. And that little rascal RSD jumped out of the closet and smacked me upside the head before I knew it was coming.

I get very nervous when I let someone in to my true inner circle. I don’t let many people in. They always walk away; and that hurts. Therefore I have let less and less people into that sanctuary. But I found one person, in particular, who 1000% deserves to be in that inner sanctum, and she has the patience of a person waiting for water to freeze on a beach! And she gets it.

So, when I realized that RSD was back, I let myself panic for about 2 hours, then I asked her if we could talk. Of course, she said yes, and I word vomited all over her. She let me vomit, and then cleaned it up with words of affirmation, explanation, connection, and support.

One of the things we talked about is how what we focus on is what we see.

When my older two children were younger, we used to go to a barrel racing clinic every year with professionals to fine tune our abilities before the competition season began. Stick with me here- I didn’t just change the topic, I promise!

Ms. Vicki always asked us what we were looking at when we would ride up to the barrel. Inevitably everyone says, “the barrel”. To which Ms. Vicki would respond, “Have you ever had someone tell you not to think about a purple elephant? Or bought a new car then all of a sudden seen them everywhere? ” When we would stop to think about it, we would all agree, yes, that had happened!

This is called ‘The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon’, or ‘the frequency illusion’. It is a cognitive bias that occurs when someone notices something more frequently after becoming aware of it. Then, because you notice it more, you convince yourself that it didn’t occur as much before, called confirmation bias. It happens to all of us, and it is really good at tricking us!

So, Ms. Vicki would then finish her brilliant lesson by telling us all that when we look at and think about the barrel, that is what we notice, that is what we are drawn to, and that is where we go. Which, in barrel racing, is not a good thing, as the point is to keep the barrels standing, and if you go straight at it, you will knock it down.

Instead, a barrel racer should focus on their ‘pocket’. This is the space next to the barrel upon which you need to land your horse so that when it turns around to run to the next barrel, the barrel you are turning stays inside the space of your horses circle. Kind of like the hole in the donut. The horse runs on the donut, and the barrel stays inside the hole: and also standing.

If you think this sounds complicated, it is. Even more than you know. First, you and your horse have to be such a cohesive team, that you understand their gait and turning style, and they understand what you are trying to accomplish and enjoy it just as much as you do. Then, you have to practice. A lot. Consistency and muscle memory is key, because when you are competing, only the best can successfully keep their wits about them the whole time. Much of the 13-18 seconds it takes to run into the arena, around three barrels, and back across the arena, is a blur. Therefore, muscle memory is a must. It has to take over in those times when your brain goes blank.

And if you don’t have muscle memory, then you are inconsistent. And unfortunately, when mistakes happen, most riders blame their horses. Then your horse becomes confused. Pretty soon, your horse does not understand what you want from it, and it gets frustrated, and does not want to run anymore. And an unwilling horse trying to be forced to do something, is a dangerous horse. You’ve heard the adage… “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”

I think this is such a beautiful metaphor for life. If we focus on the purple elephants, or the bad things in life, then that is all we see. Then life seems bad, and we feel bad because life is bad. Ever wonder how the super positive people you know stay so positive? They focus on it!

And when something happens in a blur, muscle memory takes over. Whatever it has been trained to do, whether that is see the positive, go negative, yell, retreat, or fight. So, just as a horse and rider need immense amounts of practice, so do you and your brain. Are you going to hit a barrel sometimes? Sure. Does it hurt, hell yes! But, do you heal and learn from it and get better at finding your pocket the next time? For sure.

So, keep trying. One bad experience, or day, or moment is not the end of it. Just focus on your pocket, and ignore the purple elephants!!!