Living a life that's Wirth it.

This blog entry has been mulling around in my mind since I created this account. I knew I wanted to write it, I don’t really know why it wasn’t my first one. I have found myself writing when the mood strikes me, and when something seems to be on my mind.

Today, friends are on my mind. Even as I write this, I keep pausing to text with my best friend. I don’t know how to describe her, besides F*****G AMAZING!

I have struggled with friendship my whole life. It seems that every 5 years or so, my friends would move on, and I was left to start over. When I was very young- in the 80’s- my family lost our farm. With that, I lost my elementary school friends. In middle school, I was uncomfortable with the direction my friends were going, so one really good friend and I decided to split off and find new friends. Unfortunately, she found the popular group, and I found the ‘good’ group. I am not upset with my group, they are wonderful human beings, but I was always a little sad to lose her. Being in two different friend groups naturally pulled us apart so that we were friends, but not close friends. Then, our senior year of high school, she was in a horrific car accident and was in a coma for months. I held on to a lot of guilt about not nurturing that friendship. Her life has taken a very drastic turn, and we no longer keep in touch.

That ‘good’ group I found in high school were friends I thought I would have for life. One of those friends, we will call Liz, was someone I had known my whole life- her mom literally brought her to the hospital when I was born, to meet me- and we hung out every chance we got. Another one of those friends, we will call Amelia, was someone I just felt really bonded to. My boyfriend at the time had a best friend, and we introduced them, Amelia and the boyfriend’s best friend are now happily married with a beautiful family. I pictured the four of us spending our lives together.

But life has its way of changing, and I broke up with my boyfriend. I don’t blame Amelia for choosing her boyfriend, they are solid. But I was really hurt that I lost her. I was sad that she didn’t choose me, and I hoped no choosing would have to happen, but it did. And then I met my ex-husband, and for a lot of different reasons Liz drifted away as well. I started my marriage without any friends.

My ex had friends. I found myself tagging along with them. Never really fitting in, but accepted as a part of the group because of him. I wanted to bond with someone, but no one seemed to want to get too close. All through the 18 years of my marriage, I saw friends come and go. Some stayed longer, and some never fully went away, but just sank back into the shadows. Towards the end of my marriage, I ran into someone I went to high school with. I struggled to remember her because she was several years younger than me. But our similar teenage experiences and mutual love for horses bolstered a friendship where I thought I had finally found ‘that one’ friend who would be my ride or die.

We spent many years together, and had some very wonderful experiences. But I just couldn’t help never really feeling fully accepted and ‘in’ her inner circle. And after my divorce, she chose to stay friends with him- stating she would still be friends with me as well as she didn’t want to pick sides- but really, by not picking sides, she picked sides.

Since my divorce, I have been learning so much about myself. I have worked REALLY hard to understand my traumas, my neurodivergence, my childhood, my marriage, my own biases. And I have worked my tail off to overcome all of these obstacles. It has been a lot of work, and required a lot of time to myself in deep reflection.

I did date one person, who brought friends into the mix, but they were all so solid I was, again, just accepted because of him. I really never found anyone in my 45 years of existence that I felt I could really, truly trust.

Until now.

My best friend, Kelly, is someone who is kind, caring, accepting, willing to listen, desiring of growth, funny, smart, an amazing writer, man does she have a way with words!!! And we are two peas in a pod. Or better yet, from the same soul soup batch. I really don’t remember where I heard it, but someone said that they believe that all souls are created in pots. And each batch is made with the same ingredients, therefore making them soul mates. Each pot is a different kind of soul soup, and when they enter the universe, they are attracted to each other energetically. I think Kelly and I might be from the homemade chicken noodle soup batch. The one that is comforting, down to earth, simple, but oh so good. With gluten-free noodles, of course!

All of this to say, if more people were like her, the world would be such a better place. Listening without judgement, asking with honest desire to grow, considering others perspectives, knowing that unconditional love is always the answer. She encouraged me to start this blog. She cheered for me when I wrote my first one. She is kind enough to tell me if I have bounced against a boundary, and gentle enough to hear when her boundaries ignited my anxiety. Everyone deserves to have a champion like Kelly in their corner!

So, if you find someone from your batch of soup. Hold on tight. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be kind. And don’t give up. Sometimes you may put too much salt in your bowl, but instead of throwing it out, go back to the pot and ask for more!