Living a life that's Wirth it.

My favorite saying goes something like this: “An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you down, it means it is going to launch you into something great. So, just keep focus and aim!” I don’t really know who said it, if you look it up, Google gives you many versions, and many authors. But I have held close to this saying the last six years because life pulls us back…ALL the time. And I have a habit of feeling inept when that happens. So, rather than beating myself up, I think of this quote, and remember that something great must be on the way! I think the part I like the most about this quote, however, is the very last sentence; “keep focus and aim”. We don’t hit a target by closing our eyes and letting loose. We have to focus, take a deep breath, hold steady, and aim.

Focus is hard for me. My whole life, I thought I was not good at humaning. I thought I was not like anyone else, and that I was a lesser version who didn’t deserve to care for myself. Thanks to my children, I found out I have ADHD. I have been so buried in guilt and shame that I had no idea. I didn’t fathom that it was even an option because I was so convinced I was just not capable of all the things I kept trying to do. I began to wonder when my children started coming to me asking to be tested for various other disabilities, one being ADHD. And while researching them, I began to see myself; for the very first time. I was blown away that there were other people like me. I was blown away that losing track of time, or not being able to keep up with house work, or setting something down and forgetting where I put it, or not being able to see and recognize at all that it has even been sitting there for days, out of place, was all just the way my brain works.

I struggle with imposter syndrome, and so, of course, I doubted myself. But the more I watched videos of others in the same situation, the more it felt right in my soul. So, at age 44, I went to a psychologist to be diagnosed with ADHD. While being tested, I remember the doctor giving me a list of numbers to recite back to him. It was difficult, and I was struggling. He read a set of numbers to me for which I was supposed to repeat BACKWARDS and as he was reading them, a person walked by his window. It caught my attention (what little I have) and I looked out the window. When I brought my attention back to the doctor, he was trying not to laugh. I looked at him and just busted into laughter. ‘Sometimes, things that happen here are so ironic’ I remember him saying.

I also remember him asking me why I wanted to be diagnosed. He told me that as a successful mother, teacher, and student with a Masters Degree, I have obviously learned ways to cope. I looked at him and I said, “I need to prove to myself that I am not a bad human.” He shook his head knowingly and proceeded without any more questions.

When I met with him virtually to receive my results, I was on edge. I was pretty certain, after the window incident, that he would say I have it. But the fear all of a sudden hit me; what if he says I don’t. Am I prepared to know that I really am just bad at everything? I have been rejected by a lot of people in my life, including myself. I wasn’t sure I was really prepared to do it again.

94% Intelligence, 50%ish processing and working memory, and 4% attention. ‘You have ADHD.’

“What are you thinking; how do you feel?” the doctor asked. I paused for a second, and really the only word that could come to mind was ‘happy’. I have had many turning points in my life, where not so great turned a corner and faded away, however, this will always be one of the biggest ones.

Step back a few months, when I was working with my general doctor to figure out how to be diagnosed, I told her about my anxiety and my wonder about ADHD. I had never told anyone in the medical profession my true depth of anxiety, not even my therapist. I was really nervous, ha- imagine that! But I couldn’t take it any longer. I couldn’t shut the voices in my head up that kept telling me things that were not true. I couldn’t stop them from making me feel bad about everything. I couldn’t stop them from wanting to turn around and check that I unplugged my hair straightener- even though it is automatic shut off- because I was anxious that if I forgot, it would start the house on fire, and then it would all be my fault. I don’t have rituals or compulsions per say, however, I never trusted myself. It all came crashing down on me one day when I was driving. I turned at a stop light onto a main road where I live, and did a curb check over the median with my back driver’s side tire. The very first thought in my head was to tell myself I was dumb and worthless because I don’t know how to drive, but no sooner did that thought emerge, there came another. What if that was a person? I began to feel panicked. I kept looking in my rear view mirror trying to prove to myself it was the curb, looking for any signs of someone running to help or the police chasing after me. It was in that moment, I knew I needed help. I knew it wasn’t a person. I knew it was the curb. But I could not get the thought out of my head and my body felt panicked, even though I knew I shouldn’t be.

So, when I went to my yearly check up, I told my doctor. I saw the look on her face. I saw her immediately grab for a prescription pad. ‘This is it‘, I thought. ‘She is locking me away. I am crazy.‘ (A term I heard often in my younger years, but that is for another day). But I can never be thankful enough for what she said. She put me on an anxiety medicine that helped with OCD tendencies. She told me getting tested for ADHD would be a good idea. And she asked if I had a therapist. I told her I did, and thanked her for her support.

There are so many things that had to align for me to get to that point. There are so many things that happened to me that got me to that point in the first place. But none of those things were the focus anymore. I have a brain that functions differently than the ‘neurotypical’ brain. (Although I will argue that I believe that neurodivergent brains exist more than neurotypical ones). My journey to uncover all that means to me is not over. But I have come a loooonnnng way.